The irresistible series, Downton Abby, touted as an “instant classic” by the New York Times, is airing on Masterpiece Theatre on Sunday nights in January on PBS. This is a revision of the extremely popular Upstairs, Downstairs that ran in England for years in the 70’s, and is all about boundaries.The upper class family upstairs and the other whole world of the servants below, and the class line between them is an education for all nannies and household staff. As World War One begins, the boundaries are abruptly softened.
Lady Mary Crawley asks Anna, the Head Housemaid, for advice in her love life and Anna demurely replies that it would not be for her to say, but she does instructively convey how she feels about her own lost love: “There will never be another for me.” And when a visiting military commander  is threatened by the spirited Irish chauffeur, Branson, the message must go through a ladder of servant levels until Mr Carson, the butler deftly and smoothly averts the attack without any of the dinner guests realizing what just happened, while we’re sweating it out watching.
Understanding boundaries, called “that magic line” which is never to be crossed, by the real world famous butler, Charles McPhearson, is key to the domestic professional, whether a nanny, mother’s helper, baby nurse, chef, personal assistant, butler or estate manager.

One of the many reasons why Caring Nannies only interviews candidates who have 2-3 years

of nanny experience is that they have experience distinguishing these important boundaries. The home environment is fraught with grey areas.A less experienced nanny will not pick up cues when she should melt away or not give an opinion.

Years ago, I helped several families as a baby nurse, and would often touch base with the mom when I came in. One evening, when I came in  the Mom was chatting with a friend and I sat down on the couch to visit with them. The ladies froze, and I realized I’d missed a cue.
One of our nannies was a live-in nanny for an NBA player, and when  just she and the Mom were together, they were best friends. But when visitors arrived, the nanny was instantly relegated to the ‘servant’ role. An experienced professional will take this in stride and not take it personally.
It’s challenging, because what we love to hear when collecting references  is: “She became like part of the family.” That’s what we all want. We want someone to care for our children and homes as though it were their own. But at the end of the day, they do go home. Accomplishing this balance takes the finesse of a tightrope walker, but this is one way that nannies and domestic staff are completely different from any other professional. The exxperienced ones get it.  We’ve had nannies fired for working out in the master bedroom (it was the mirrored closet doors that inspired her), for giving unwarranted advice, and for following their own protocol rather than the parents.
Tips for nannies and household staff:
Remember that the employer is the boss, and they are paying you to follow their preferences.
Assume that the family needs lots of space and boundaries. They are not hiring a friend. Don’t chit-chat with them about your life. If you’re asked a question that crosses your boundaries,  deflect it sweetly with a smile. Be friendly and professional.

If you have concerns or see a better way of doing something, bring up those concerns privately, not in front of the children or others. If they are not open, drop it and cheerfully continue with their way. In general, give no unsolicited advice unless the children are in danger. As one of our Moms’ reiterated last week, “If you feel you have a better way of doing something, please do it my way or come to me and let’s talk about it.” Your job is to discern needs spoken and unspoken and work with a servant’s heart so that when the employee walks through the door at day’s end, they are free to enjoy their children and home knowing that the major issues of the day have been dealt with.
The longer you’ve been a professional and the more you know, the harder it will be for you to do it their way unless you have that essential servant’s heart. You’ll be accustomed to doing things the way you know is best. Also, you have the recent experience of your last

family, and will naturally want to have the same kind of relationship/ rules/experience that you had before. Be ready to adjust to the new family worldview. Remember: Expectations ruin relationships.

How the family can help:

Be precise in your expectations, definite about messes and schedules. You’re the boss, so be assertive about it. Not easy for most of us. Start the relationship with a written agreement that details duties, hours pay, how discipline is to be handled, mileage compensation, family rules, etc.
It is difficult to become friends with your nanny or housekeeper and then come to them with problem or constructive criticism. Be warm and friendly, but keep back a bit of reserve. The best scenario is when you truly like the person you’ve hired, and you do feel like they could be your friend or a family member, since they are rendering such a vital service to your family.
Schedule formal monthly meetings with your nanny. Obviously, you will touch base daily or weekly, but these longer, more structured meetings will give you an opportunity to take more time to de-clutter any problems in the relationship. A shy caregiver may need more time to open up, and you may need moments of silence to share what is bothering you as well.  Caring Nannies has tools that can help, but you have to opt into a monthly email reminder. We provide tips on how to get started, annual and semi-annual performance reviews and much much more!

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The difference between now and before the economic downturn is that instead of receiving 5-10 resumes for each position, today, we need to sort through dozens of resumes.  How do we go about matching the people who are best suited for your family?
How can personality testing help you in choosing the right nanny as well as securing an ongoing strong relationship with her?
Interestingly, many of our top tier nannies have their greatest strength in the “Supporter” or “Always there when you need them” Type “D” personality. The typical “D” personality doesn’t like change, and prefers to be given a set of guidelines to follow and they enjoy routine. They are very supportive of others and are the kind of person we turn to when we need advice. They are high in compassion and are happy and content with themselves and life in general. They are dependable, on time, adding balance and support in the home. We suspect that many of our clients are Type A personalities, described

as leaders, entrepreneurial, risk takers, independent, direct and to the point. They prefer to delegate routine tasks to others. Type “A” is often a business owner, manager, or in a position requiring a take charge, decisive, persistent person.
The “C” personality thrives on details, accuracy and takes life seriously. They dress impeccably, want to get the ‘facts’, are consistent, and predictable. They take a long time to make a decision, are deep, thoughtful and sensitive. They can get caught up in the details and not see the big picture.
“B” is the socializer, high energy one, who loves to be in a big group, and is the center of attention, and wants to have fun while working. They want to be liked, and can be sensitive. They are outgoing, persuasive, and talkative.

PERSONALITY OPPOSITES ATTRACT
Although opposites attract, they can clash. Opposites can complement each other if they try to understand each other’s perspective. Opposite personalities often marry and it works since they make up for the other’s weaknesses. However, if a parent is expecting the nanny to do things in a way that is opposite her personality, there can be conflict.
If a neat, precise “C” personality is micro-managing a nanny who is creative, gets out the play-doh, or finger-paints, makes  tents in the living room, and shoots paper airplanes, this may not work out for long. Nothing is “wrong” with either person, they just need to have more insight into each other’s personalities and find middle ground. If the Mom is inflexible and demands perfection, it won’t surprise us to see turnover, especially if the nanny is a strong “B” personality.
Every family and company probably has all 4 personalities, and each one’s gift is needed to balance out the dynamics. The key is having the right understanding to identify these traits so you have the best chance of successfully working with each other.

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Each year, families across the country unlawfully categorize their employee by providing a Form 1099 (Form 1099 is used to report money paid to an independent contractor). The IRS has ruled that household workers are employees of the family for whom they work; attempting to classify them as an independent contractor by giving them a Form 1099 is considered tax evasion and does not absolve them of their household employer tax and legal obligations.
Of all the errors we see, this one is at the top of the list. The confusion stems from the IRS 20-point test to determine worker status. Many of the questions are ambiguous and/or subjective. Worse, a worker may appear to be an independent contractor on some of the questions and an employee on others. Which answers are right?
If even one of the 20 answers points toward employee, she’s an employee. To save you the hassle of the test, the IRS has ruled definitively that household workers should be classified as employees. Therefore, the family must handle all household employer tax and labor law obligations. Tax breaks make it cheaper than you’d think and if you use our recommended nanny tax provider, it is effortless.
Note: The IRS views worker misclassification as tax evasion and recently announced a major expansion of auditors to augment their enforcement efforts in this particular area. As further warning, the household employment industry was cited as one of the primary targets.

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